5th November 2008
Exactly like how we started
We ended up on that day
During his prom night
Its hurting me like hell, i really do feel so hurted by him....Sarhan...i need you...Why do you have to go?Why do you have to break your promises?Why cant you just understand me for once?Why dont you care whether I'm sad or not?WHY??
Everything was fine between us until that evening...We met at the front of the common hall...yeah, almost every couple was meeting each other that night, some even took pictures in front of the ustaz...its been a long time since i had a really good time with him...yet, to him, im just copying and wanting what others does -Dating..does he not feel how much i miss him?why cant he understand that??even so, i tried to make him stay...anyway, teachers know about us already...i dont seem to find any problem with that but to him its such a taboo...after taking a picture, which was taken far apart from each other compared to the first day we were together...he ran straight into the hall when the form5 movie started...he just left me alone there...outside the hall...no one would know how it feels like...to him its always nothing, nothing and nothing...then i went to the bench and sat alone..............
as i sat there, i began to think of something which happened before my performance that night...then tears began to fall from my cheeks because it was so unfair that only i got scolded...then he came....he asked me why i cried...and he asked was it because of him..i told him it was not but he didnt seem to believe it...we had a slow talk by then...finally, i knew what he wanted...he should go get a robot...a robot that can be whatever he wants and he can do whatever he please with it....but im not..im just human, baby..you and i both have our own flaws....but you told me you cant accept mine because i just dont CHANGE....did you not see any change it me?not even a little bit when everyone noticed??i tried my best for you, Sarhan, i really did...but i dont see any of your effort trying to keep our love alive...you even reprimanded me that night...do you know how much hurt u have inflicted on me?do you exactly know that i could die listening to all those??
"no, you are the one who dont understand me"
"of course i understand you"
"you are just an over reacting girl"
"dont you know that you are burdening me?"
"i dont see you carrying out your duty as a girlfried"
"you turn my life upside down"
"how many times i told u that i dont like your presents"
"it makes me more tension than happy"
"how come others can relax me while you cant?"
"how come im happier with others?"
"and you are not a muslim"
"you wont understand"
"you wont understand"
"you wont understand"
"i dont think we are suitable to be together"
"love is nothing"
"what do you have now huh?"
"with only a UPSR slip, then you love like this"
"to me, love is supposed to be simple"
"i just want to find my girlfriend when i want"
"other than that is my life"
"i do love you"
"but now i dont anymore"
"just go away"
"i said stop crying"
"SHUT UP!"
"are you happy now?"
"or do you want me to get punched only you are satisfied"
Remember these??it rings in my mind everyday...do you know how much madness it causes me?you are killing me, Sarhan...if you didnt love me from the start, why did you give me hope?why do you want to leave me only now???there are so many unanswered questions that you gave me...when i wanted to ask, you are either busy or tired...dont keep me hanging on like this...if you couldnt bring yourself to love me you shouldnt have promised me tons of things...you shouldnt have told me that our love would conquer all...you shouldnt make me hand out all my trust to you...you shouldnt take my heart away...until now i still cant forget you...
Sarhan, if you dont love me anymore, why do you still want to contact me every day?why do you treat me better now compared to the time you were my boyfriend? you even offered to walk me up to the class...cant you see that my heart is breaking when i said no? cant you feel that im hurted when i dont even look in your eyes? cant you understand that i would just run to you and hug you when you look for me in the class? you abandoned me...yet, you wouldnt let me go...im really confused...i dont know which way to go right now...i love you but you dont love me...i want you but you dont want me...i want to let go but you wont...i dont want you to go but you still did.....do you know its unfair to me?have you ever spared a thought for my feelings??i gave you everything i could...i would do anything as long as you were happy...i changed for you...everything i did was because of you...and yet you actually hate this girl....
Sarhan, please...I love you very much...but if you really dont love me anymore, please help me to forget about you...dont come looking for me...because if you still do, its just a matter of time that i go and kill myself...you know i cant stand these..you know i hated being alone...you know i loved you too much...but yet you still left...do you know how much pain these caused me??have you ever know how i feel??
ViviaN
i❤hvayn™
