i❤hvayn™ -Happy Raya!!

hehe..happy raya baby!!im having flu though..sobsob...hmmm...everything's ok between us...last night..sis went to tell him about me leaving him...err...actually i dont intend to do it anymore...so i said NO to him, when he asked..but still, i confessed that i thought of it before..well, its the truth what...hmm...after that was ok...i believe him....today's the first day of his hari raya....he smsed me though...which was really a surprise...haha....cause quite early....emmm..now, im still waiting to go visiting...actually forced to go...dont really like places with lots of people....maybe im weird after all...haha....and also, waiting for baby's message....to be continued..tata~

ViviaN
i❤hvayn™

i❤hvayn™ - Start Of Something New

hehe...just when i gave up hoping he sent me an sms last night...huh, darling, you really know how to make a person go through ups and downs =.=....erm....i think i decided not to do anything harsh...it must be tiring for him to be a top student....and he needs my support...so i cant just abandon him and go...maybe if this doesnt get any better, i will do it after his exam...but for now, just give him the support and love that he needs...i miss him......

ViviaN
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i❤hvayn™ - Nights'

2314hours now..still waiting for your sms...i miss you......i miss you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ViviaN
i❤hvayn™

i❤hvayn™ - I Miss You

baby, although i said those things in my post two days ago, however, i still miss you a lot right now....you really surprised me today when you sent me an sms at 1310hours...as you dont usually do...erm...after that we kinda, well, had some misunderstanding...but mostly because of me...i know it...sorry, but i dont know why i just cant treat you the way like i used to..when you dont contact me, then i miss you a lot...when you contact me, i will give you some bad treatment, although i want to treat you nicely...haha...maybe you really dont know how to put words together to make your sentences feel better..saying that i dont mind you being not romantic, sometimes its a lie..for some moment i need to be a normal girl..haha...you really understand me...you can see through me the moment you set eyes on me that im sad or troubled....but you dont know what i want, or i should say, too busy to care for....if i dont bother you, i wished you would come and console me...if i hang your calls, i wish you would call me again...if i said i miss you, i wish that you would just say 'lets meet'...i wished and i told you before that i loved surprises....but none of that exists...sometimes im just a girl...i would too, naturally, want for all these childish things...the things that Sarhan wont do for girls...haiz...i hope i can untie the knot in my heart as soon as possible...i dont want you to feel that i dont love you anymore, nor do i want my feelings to fade...i really really want you to know that I MISS YOU!!!i wished i could stand right in front of you to cry my heart out just to let you know that i really really really love you, Sarhan...i will change for the better...Vivian Tan will be the best girlfriend in Sarhan's life..because he loves no one else but me....and i do too....

ViviaN
i❤hvayn™

i❤hvayn™ - Hols

back for the hols...both of us, of course..anyway, he's busy...for sure...feeling the urge to write...a lot of things..lots of transparent mirrors between us...what actually happened??i really am sad and disappointed when he talked harshly to me two days ago...however, i dont blame him...as he had stated very clearly of his decision to me...i will give him my full support...he didnt even sent an sms to me for 24hours...at 1am, he sent one though...just to wish me good night....is it so difficult for him to just spare a minute, just a minute....to tell me how is he??i dont really understand that...when i told him about this, guess what was his reaction?? "...kay, dont pressure me k?im motivated for spm already..." he even told me few nights ago that he dont want to think about love anymore...i wish him the best...i dont know why didnt i left him when i heard that....he promised me before that he wouldnt hurt me the way my past boyfriends did...i think, he forgotten about it...are promises to him are really like this?is it so hard for him just to understand how i feel??maybe, just maybe, im not worth for him to even spare a thought for my feelings...to him, if i love him, why cant i wait for him? y cant i just support him for this two months, and y would i leave him when he's busy if i really love him?he told me, that this is not love if i only want him when he's free...actually sarhan, if i dont cry, it doesnt mean that i dont feel pain....if i dont yell, it doesnt mean that u arent hurting my feelings....and actually, i just need the old you....not to say 24hours, but just when you are free....nowadays, u changed...you talk to me like you dont care...i know you care and you love me...but, this is not the way i can take it...maybe my friend is right...im tired...i cant be the ever perfect and patient Jane in your eyes...no matter how hard i try, i dont really have a place in your heart....i will always be here for you though....just turn back and look for me if you need me...like how you are doing now...when you are lonely, you contact me..but when you are not, im just a shit...yeah, you are not going to like this after you read it, i know...but you are really hurting me...i try to be strong but i cant...its already 5months and 15days since we started...you are the first guy, who made me had the confidence to stand up again after i fell a year ago...since i met you, my whole life changed...you are a good guy, remember that...i guess we are not suitable....anyway, im going to cherish you and give you an unforgetable time until spm finishes....then, i will wish you the best in your future undertaking....i wished you really loved me....however, i dont think i would find love anyway...im just like a stick on note...you need it, you use it, you used it, you tear it....if you ever have the chance to read this, and if you still have feelings for me, what i would like to tell u is dont be guilty for causing me to become like this...we decided to be together, and this is our fate...woo jane back, while there's still time....everytime i hear how u treat her, i really am jealous...and whenever you dont care, the thought of why cant you treat me like how u treat her always occurs...although u dont love her like you love me, but at least she had you and she was loved by a guy, who would wait for her sms eventhough he knows that she doesnt even reply long till 2am in his hands....i really want to breakdown sometimes....but whenever i want to initiate a breakup i cant stand just to imagine your dejected face....getting back to the past, its almost impossible now, or even after spm...i did my best to make u feel loved..during the second you first told me about your story with jane, i promised myself not to be like this....but in the end, you were the one who became her....you once told me, no matter how busy you are, you wont treat me the way she did to you...maybe you dont realise, but you are doing these now...the feeling of being left alone, maybe you know better than anyone else...i never regret being with you, although lots of people asked me to leave....i held the hope, hoping that you would love me like you once did....im still holding on it...but maybe, i dont have the energy and courage anymore....we have 93days left....although i really dont want to let you go but i cant be your girlfriend anymore...i cant feel your unconditional love like i used to...the memory of me and you, will be etched here in my heart forever....i promise that...you must find your happiness, sarhan...someone who will truly be weighed tons in your heart....then, you will know what's the meaning of love....as i end this post, my heart will also will be sealed...we dont talk the way we used to talk...and its hurting so deep....i've got my pride too...sorry, but i really cant do it anymore...i love you but im not a toy...i really, really need the old you....

Sarhan's Stick On Note
i❤hvayn™

i❤hvayn™ - Long Time No See

hmm...its been quite some time since i wrote a post in this blog...the school's internet sever was down; cable got robbed..haha...so, couldnt post one...anyway, things are getting worser, it seems like, between me and him..maybe its because of exam, his trial is this week, but even so, couldnt he at least smile at me when he walk through the toilet's lane??just took ONE glance and walked away..W.O.W...it really left me speechless and tears started to circle around my eyeballs...i dont want to cry, maybe he isnt doing it on purpose, but i cant keep lying to myself like this...i hate this situation, Sarhan, i really hate it....please dont treat me like this...its our 5 months tomorrow...its not an easy task to acheive between us, because of our situation...im really glad we came this far but i wan everything to continue and last for ever...thats what i really want...i wonder how can i make him realise that i really hate being like a stranger to him...lover to stranger, thats a big difference, mind that...i dont want my feeling to go away....but i cannot stand it this way...im not your superwoman, darling...im not the kind of girl, that you can let down, and think that everythings O.K...we dont talk the way we used to talk, nor being in love like we used to...and its hurting me so....im being strong all the way, because im always hoping that im the one who's thinking tooo toooo tooo tooo much....but even my friends can see the change in you, not only me...Baby, I am only human...This girl needs more than occasional hugs as a token of love from you to me...please tell me this is just for the moment....just for a short short while, because my strength is going out, bit by bit....haiz...im going home tomorrow...he's not though...normal for form5...by the way, congratulations hubby!!11A1 for his last trial...hehe...thats who i call my BABY!!!maybe all that we sacrifice ; time and etc..is really worth it...i dont mind if he puts his studies in front of me, because to me SPM only occurs once in a lifetime...however, im sometimes i really feel im insignificant...how??how can i solve this problem?its really serious...for me...but maybe not for him...i know that...he told people that he doesnt want to think of love now..then why would he want to still be in a relationship with me??a big question which always pop in my mind, but no one actually knows how terrible it feels...i love you!!!!!!i really really love you...please come back, sarhan....

ViviaN
i❤hvayn™

i❤hvayn™ - Back To School :(

wawa...gonna get back to school later...in another 2 hours+...:P..first, im excited because i can see him very soon, but im bored because i really hate that school..=.=''....hard to understand me right?haha...hmph..woke up at 12.30 just now..hehe...not fasting today, cause' dad's gonna bring me out later...yeah, who knows if he finds out right?as the saying goes, prevention is better than cure :P..hmm..wonder what he's doing..actually im missing him like crazy but i dont want to sms him...hmmm....acting on a princess temper =.=, although i know im at fault...haha...but i really wanted him to accompany me...i feel lonely, but he's too tired to think for me, maybe...but never mind...forget it lo...after a while we will go right back on the track, i believe..love u, baby!!last night, i told him about the story my friend told me (him and his muslim gf)...hmmm, and at last i told him that if we stay, and my family objects, im still not gonna give him up..yeah, it may sound funny for a 14 year old girl talking like this, but this would be my choice...he too said that if his family objects, then get married abroad..haha...thats better :P...then he asked me, can i be a muslim??yeah, of course, if im not wearing tudungs or long sleeved shirts each and every day...i know this would be like not respecting the religion but i just really cant do it...he says he can...hehe...im really happy...finally, we sorted out a way for our future =D....maybe it sounds ordinary for couples, but its not for me though...i dont really talk about 'futures' with other guys, like what im doing with him..maybe i dont believe there's 'future' with them...hehe....but i want to have a future wid baby..^_______________________^...i love you, i love you, i love you....muackzzzzzzzz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ViviaN
i❤hvayn™

i❤hvayn™ -Fasting Day ^^

*burpie burp* =D..hehe..im bloated now..i guess he does too...i fasted with hubby today :)..he's currently doing his tarawikh prayers...if i get that spelling right, it should be it...hehe...i woke up at 2pm today...byby woke me up...unbelievable right?haha...hmph, but nothing's impossible :p...i really like it when he wakes me..i like it when he takes the first move, not me..haha...but its ok...i kw he cant..so, im gonna try my best...haih, but i miss him...i wish that we could spend more time together...i dunno why but i feel that im going to lose him soon..i know i shouldn't feel anything related to that as we have our promises and we trust each other..however, thats exactly how i feel...cant help it...especially when he's not there for me..i know this situation isnt what he wants either...i know he's busy...spm coming...spm spm...everyday, i would remind myself like this...i've come to terms with it, but i hope i can see more light though..its killing me..the feeling..no one would understand...i know he's not ignoring me...he doesnt even have time for a good rest, so, how can he spend time with me??i want him to make himself priority for now...but i cant help feeling insignificant...my fault...>.<..anyway, i really must be strong..i cant let my own feelings ruin myself, him, or our relationship...everything's important...he needs my support, and that's what I will give him...i want him to feel loved, not burdened....because love is supposed to be like this...making a person happier, making a person easier, and making a person better...but if its burdening him....i rather leave than making him suffer...one may think that these words are really nothing, but if you do, please think back and reflect then..on the other hand, i need him too...i really need him...he cant give me that now..i know...nothing can help it..he has important tasks to carry out his duties, i know...i just wish him the best...god bless him....if i keep repeating these words to him, he will not like it...he says its boring him out...yeah, maybe..but maybe our thinking are really different....as if im receiving the 'FM connection' and he's receiving the 'AV connection'...sometimes i wonder, are we really suitable together??but i dare not dig my head for the answer...still lack of confidence...not in this relationship, of course...but maybe, with myself??i know i cant make him happy...maybe i should leave...i think i really should...but, my selfishness really doesnt want me to let go..and i dont, too...hope things turns for the better after all this..time, please pass faster...this is really killing me...its not hard to wait for him...because even if we really part a day, his place in my heart would never really be replaced....i really need that unconditional love i used to feel...i cant feel it anymore now...it's not a fact of being romantic or not, but the feeling..it just aint the same anymore...when can i have you back, sweetheart???i cant wait for all this to end, but i will wait, of course =D....although its still a long way to go.....2nd of December..please end faster!!Sarhan, I really wished u r by my side this very moment..i know u hate me saying these...but i really need you to know...I love you...

ViviaN
i❤hvayn™